Being a Woman; Embracing Aloneness
The reason why I am writing this is largely under the influence of a book I have speed-read in MPH bookstore today while waiting for my good ol' friend to turn up for lunch. The opening story of the book got me flipping for more, simply because I found myself nodding in agreement to most statements of what the author wrote, about women and their "needy" selves.
As early as Simone de Beauvoir concluded in her theory, the fairer sex has always been defined by men. Men, as in Masculine Men. Also known as "The Other", females in society have always been regarded second place to men, defined and differenciated with reference to man and not he with reference to her. "He is the Subject, the Absolute - She is the Other", quoted off Beauvoir.
To my dear girl-friend who has been there for me when I am down in the dumps and feeling at my most vulnerable, to my friend who has seen me walk in and out of different relationships trying to discover "Love", to her who understands our strength and individuality as women, to the lady who knows what is going on within me - as independent as we seem to be, the primal instinct of our fear of loneliness will always be within us. I suppose that is what kept us doing what we have always been, and that was also the nemesis of what we consider "our problems".
An independent, self-reliant man who would not be "sticky" in a relationship is always what we have desired, but what happens when our greatest fear - the man walking out of the relationship, leaving us alone - surfaces? Women have associated "being alone" as tragic and miserable, thus spending their lives searching for a man to love and to live with. Some of us have tried to escape "alone" by living a busy schedule and gaining power in status. Some have also slept with different men in their lives and competed in the Attraction/Dating game in order to feel appreciated, wanted and desired. No woman wants to be alone, because it is too negative a term.
No woman wants to end up the fate of a spinster (read: old, unwanted; an antique virgin). Young girls have played the game of The Old Maid. In the game, every player tries to get rid of The Old Maid, not wanting to end up with that dreaded card. Like the dance of life, women spend their days avoiding the fate of a spinster to escape the scrutiny of society. Beneath that iron exterior, there is always the inevitable yearn for support, desire and affection from man.
Who wouldn't blame it on a female's upbringing? When Barbie was placed in a girl's hands, the "ideal body image" has already been imprinted unto the female, to be her own grown-up Barbie living happily after with Ken. When a teenage daughter seeks approval off her mum, who in turn is trying to live with a growing-up child; when a father sees his daughter as a "young son"; the fear of being left out from a group of friends (the magical circle); escapism in the form of "our secret gardens"; fairy tales of princesses rescued by their Prince Charming; the mirror of media etc. It is even etched in history when God created Adam and Eve. When Eve ate the apple of Wisdom, she was not rewarded for her gain of independence - she was punished. Women as "objects of desire" see themselves as "the Other" through the eyes of men, and the downward spiral continues as they seek independence, only to look to gain approval from men, and the cycle continues.
Back to aloneness. Loneliness and Emptiness are states of mind, like happiness. For almost all our lives, women have associated "aloneness" with "loneliness" and "emptiness". To embrace aloneness is to celebrate solitude. It allows us to breathe and appreciate our own existence amidst the busy schedule we are so immersed in, it allows us to keep in touch with our souls while everybody continues running in the rat race. True independence lies in enjoying own's own company of herself, dependence is allowing the beliefs of loneliness to infiltrate in our lives. Which then, will you choose?
Each day we surround ourselves with people. We are grateful for friends and their companionships. Why have we not celebrated our very own souls and solitude, the best forms of companionship in the world? In all that hurricane of media perceptions, societal pressures and the need to conform, it is no wonder women have lost track of who they are and want to be. Guilty and charged, I find myself falling into the abyss of such thoughts and beliefs. I find myself feeling "needy" without the assurance of a man and his affection, I find myself asking the weirdest questions about "love". Was I in love with the man, or did I really want the exquisite pain that comes with wanting a man that is so unattainable? (quoted off Sex & The City). Or was I, like most women, in love with the idea of love and not with the man himself?
My friends laugh, for they say it is the first time they hear me complain of someone not spending enough time with me, because it is usually the other way round. I am, I admit, thoroughly impatient with men who insist I do not have time for them. I recognize my own fear of loneliness and emptiness, and for all my years of growing up I have curbed these sources of anxiety by living a very busy life, as I am well-known for. Perhaps it is finally time to embrace solitude...perhaps I am on the path of finding it. Perhaps...we shall see.
The reason why I am writing this is largely under the influence of a book I have speed-read in MPH bookstore today while waiting for my good ol' friend to turn up for lunch. The opening story of the book got me flipping for more, simply because I found myself nodding in agreement to most statements of what the author wrote, about women and their "needy" selves.
As early as Simone de Beauvoir concluded in her theory, the fairer sex has always been defined by men. Men, as in Masculine Men. Also known as "The Other", females in society have always been regarded second place to men, defined and differenciated with reference to man and not he with reference to her. "He is the Subject, the Absolute - She is the Other", quoted off Beauvoir.
To my dear girl-friend who has been there for me when I am down in the dumps and feeling at my most vulnerable, to my friend who has seen me walk in and out of different relationships trying to discover "Love", to her who understands our strength and individuality as women, to the lady who knows what is going on within me - as independent as we seem to be, the primal instinct of our fear of loneliness will always be within us. I suppose that is what kept us doing what we have always been, and that was also the nemesis of what we consider "our problems".
An independent, self-reliant man who would not be "sticky" in a relationship is always what we have desired, but what happens when our greatest fear - the man walking out of the relationship, leaving us alone - surfaces? Women have associated "being alone" as tragic and miserable, thus spending their lives searching for a man to love and to live with. Some of us have tried to escape "alone" by living a busy schedule and gaining power in status. Some have also slept with different men in their lives and competed in the Attraction/Dating game in order to feel appreciated, wanted and desired. No woman wants to be alone, because it is too negative a term.
No woman wants to end up the fate of a spinster (read: old, unwanted; an antique virgin). Young girls have played the game of The Old Maid. In the game, every player tries to get rid of The Old Maid, not wanting to end up with that dreaded card. Like the dance of life, women spend their days avoiding the fate of a spinster to escape the scrutiny of society. Beneath that iron exterior, there is always the inevitable yearn for support, desire and affection from man.
Who wouldn't blame it on a female's upbringing? When Barbie was placed in a girl's hands, the "ideal body image" has already been imprinted unto the female, to be her own grown-up Barbie living happily after with Ken. When a teenage daughter seeks approval off her mum, who in turn is trying to live with a growing-up child; when a father sees his daughter as a "young son"; the fear of being left out from a group of friends (the magical circle); escapism in the form of "our secret gardens"; fairy tales of princesses rescued by their Prince Charming; the mirror of media etc. It is even etched in history when God created Adam and Eve. When Eve ate the apple of Wisdom, she was not rewarded for her gain of independence - she was punished. Women as "objects of desire" see themselves as "the Other" through the eyes of men, and the downward spiral continues as they seek independence, only to look to gain approval from men, and the cycle continues.
Back to aloneness. Loneliness and Emptiness are states of mind, like happiness. For almost all our lives, women have associated "aloneness" with "loneliness" and "emptiness". To embrace aloneness is to celebrate solitude. It allows us to breathe and appreciate our own existence amidst the busy schedule we are so immersed in, it allows us to keep in touch with our souls while everybody continues running in the rat race. True independence lies in enjoying own's own company of herself, dependence is allowing the beliefs of loneliness to infiltrate in our lives. Which then, will you choose?
Each day we surround ourselves with people. We are grateful for friends and their companionships. Why have we not celebrated our very own souls and solitude, the best forms of companionship in the world? In all that hurricane of media perceptions, societal pressures and the need to conform, it is no wonder women have lost track of who they are and want to be. Guilty and charged, I find myself falling into the abyss of such thoughts and beliefs. I find myself feeling "needy" without the assurance of a man and his affection, I find myself asking the weirdest questions about "love". Was I in love with the man, or did I really want the exquisite pain that comes with wanting a man that is so unattainable? (quoted off Sex & The City). Or was I, like most women, in love with the idea of love and not with the man himself?
My friends laugh, for they say it is the first time they hear me complain of someone not spending enough time with me, because it is usually the other way round. I am, I admit, thoroughly impatient with men who insist I do not have time for them. I recognize my own fear of loneliness and emptiness, and for all my years of growing up I have curbed these sources of anxiety by living a very busy life, as I am well-known for. Perhaps it is finally time to embrace solitude...perhaps I am on the path of finding it. Perhaps...we shall see.