4 more days. Too fast, too furious.
I ain't prepared at all. Oh no.
Wednesday, November 22, 2006I ain't prepared at all. Oh no.
Admist the exam stress, project frustrations and getting close to the point of yanking my own hair out, two boys in my life kept my sanity intact.
Wiley and Riley have grown bigger since I last brought them back, and it has only been...2 weeks? Wiley whines alot for attention, and he screams when Riley bullies him (who gets angry at Wiley for disturbing him in the first place). Wiley is smaller sized, loves to nuzzle up to my nose and has pink ear-tips. Riley, the bigger brother, has a slight temper and is one very greedy feline. He seeks attention not by whining, but by plonking himself on me and rubbing his head against my fingers/toes/whevever, which means he wants to be stroked. He has to be stroked just like a baby before he fals asleep. Oh, and he hates water. Which cat doesn't, anyway?
On a side note, I probably forsee not being able to finish studying for the exams considering projects are still in progress even till now. Deadline's 2 days before my first paper and I forsee another few long nights where "tomorrow" lies a few days away. Such is my screwed-up sleep cycle, to sleep anytime I am really really sleepy and to time it such that I survive on 5 to 6 hours of sleep daily. Slumber? I call it catnaps. Neslo's a must to keep the nights going.
Burnt out. Very. Till 30th December. After which, I will spend my holidays riding, running, working and training.
Sunday, November 12, 2006Wiley and Riley have grown bigger since I last brought them back, and it has only been...2 weeks? Wiley whines alot for attention, and he screams when Riley bullies him (who gets angry at Wiley for disturbing him in the first place). Wiley is smaller sized, loves to nuzzle up to my nose and has pink ear-tips. Riley, the bigger brother, has a slight temper and is one very greedy feline. He seeks attention not by whining, but by plonking himself on me and rubbing his head against my fingers/toes/whevever, which means he wants to be stroked. He has to be stroked just like a baby before he fals asleep. Oh, and he hates water. Which cat doesn't, anyway?
On a side note, I probably forsee not being able to finish studying for the exams considering projects are still in progress even till now. Deadline's 2 days before my first paper and I forsee another few long nights where "tomorrow" lies a few days away. Such is my screwed-up sleep cycle, to sleep anytime I am really really sleepy and to time it such that I survive on 5 to 6 hours of sleep daily. Slumber? I call it catnaps. Neslo's a must to keep the nights going.
Burnt out. Very. Till 30th December. After which, I will spend my holidays riding, running, working and training.
It has been a month. A month since I decided to be selfish enough to pursue my own life and neglect everything else. A month since that decision, and the gash I left behind is still throbbing and raw. I shiver at the thought of it; how could a simple few words leave behind a catastrophe of emotions, lyrical words and tears? How could I be so capable of ruining "happiness"?
Life seems full for me. I am doing what I love, what I want, what I yearn. I focus more on school work, I have my furballs to pamper - yet it doesn't feel right. Guilt? Lost? Confusion? A nagging voice at the back of my head saying, "So what? You are doing so many things, but what satisfaction do you derive out of it?" Or maybe, "After all that, what do you end up with? An empty pocket and an empty heart."
I do not want a relationship. It is too much of a burden, too much of an expectation, too suffocating, too overwhelming. A relationship requires commitment, and I cannot have you taking up an entire space in my heart. A relationship requires responsibility, and I cannot account for the many things I do now. A relationship requires attention, and I cannot give 100% attention to anything in my life now. I chose my life, my own future, my self-interest - I do not have space for anybody else special.
The mistake of plunging into an abyss without realising its depths, its lightless pathways, its secrets. We have all made that mistake one too many times. The treasures I hold, sit above reality's evils: practicality and cynicism. I am too practical, I am too cynical.
------------------------------
Casting for ZoukOut 2006. To go, or not to?
Saturday, November 11, 2006Life seems full for me. I am doing what I love, what I want, what I yearn. I focus more on school work, I have my furballs to pamper - yet it doesn't feel right. Guilt? Lost? Confusion? A nagging voice at the back of my head saying, "So what? You are doing so many things, but what satisfaction do you derive out of it?" Or maybe, "After all that, what do you end up with? An empty pocket and an empty heart."
I do not want a relationship. It is too much of a burden, too much of an expectation, too suffocating, too overwhelming. A relationship requires commitment, and I cannot have you taking up an entire space in my heart. A relationship requires responsibility, and I cannot account for the many things I do now. A relationship requires attention, and I cannot give 100% attention to anything in my life now. I chose my life, my own future, my self-interest - I do not have space for anybody else special.
The mistake of plunging into an abyss without realising its depths, its lightless pathways, its secrets. We have all made that mistake one too many times. The treasures I hold, sit above reality's evils: practicality and cynicism. I am too practical, I am too cynical.
------------------------------
Casting for ZoukOut 2006. To go, or not to?
Say hello to the two rascals, Wiley and Riley. They are newly adopted, 2 months old and growing, not to mention manja and whiney.
What beats a great time out, eating desserts till your stomach is going to explode, tell me, what can better end that day?
Nothing. I came back with a smile on my face, thinking it is going to be a great night's sleep and tomorrow will be a great training. I was wrong.
I came back to find an email waiting for me in the inbox, sent as a mass mailer to my floorball team. You know how people always tell me, "Don't think so much, really. Maybe you just misinterpret the way he phrases things."
Try as I might, I cannot forget the feeling of warming the bench last year. True enough, I got legitimate reasons for that, but bench is bench and the harsh reality of life is very very real. That email announced the lines for tomorrow's friendly. I read it, and wonder why I have never got a proper place for myself in the team. The rules have changed, and like any other coach, he wants results. I am not an asset to the team, I shouldn't be in at all. Yes, and so it is.
Brings me back to the period of time I considered quitting and moving on, when I finally accepted that I was never much of a team-sport person. That feeling is back. Then again, it is my last season, my last year before I drop the sport altogether. Will I get that chance?
Perhaps I never really belonged in the first place. I've gotten the "I don't want you as my forward/defence partner" part; I've gotten the "The ideal line will be you, you, you, she and me" but my name was never inside; I've stayed by the sidelines and watched them chat; I've gotten it all. Just when I thought I've plunged six feet and hit bottom hard (and managed to get a little bounced out of it), they shoved the stopper right onto me.
I could not bring myself to work on last year's season's debrief. The fear has came back, strong as ever. More work does not equate to higher chance of success anymore, it is all about talent and the likes. Lousy excuse, you may say..but its fucken' true. I've worked damn hard for my grades but all I got was simply average - I went to university without a scholarship, to a normal course, attained normal grades and soon I am going to graduate with a normal degree, get a normal job and draw a normal pay. Same goes for sports. I train 2 years to attain a results they achieve in 2 months, 2 hours to achieve something one masters in 2 minutes - tell me, why must every damn thing take so long?
Save your comments. Its going to be the usual, "So long you've tried your best, you've succeeded already" and the likes. I haven't had the time to try my best with the amount of school work we all get, I've only tried damn hard, but I still ain't getting it. 1 more month to prove myself worthy. Will I make the cut?
Let's see.
Nothing. I came back with a smile on my face, thinking it is going to be a great night's sleep and tomorrow will be a great training. I was wrong.
I came back to find an email waiting for me in the inbox, sent as a mass mailer to my floorball team. You know how people always tell me, "Don't think so much, really. Maybe you just misinterpret the way he phrases things."
Try as I might, I cannot forget the feeling of warming the bench last year. True enough, I got legitimate reasons for that, but bench is bench and the harsh reality of life is very very real. That email announced the lines for tomorrow's friendly. I read it, and wonder why I have never got a proper place for myself in the team. The rules have changed, and like any other coach, he wants results. I am not an asset to the team, I shouldn't be in at all. Yes, and so it is.
Brings me back to the period of time I considered quitting and moving on, when I finally accepted that I was never much of a team-sport person. That feeling is back. Then again, it is my last season, my last year before I drop the sport altogether. Will I get that chance?
Perhaps I never really belonged in the first place. I've gotten the "I don't want you as my forward/defence partner" part; I've gotten the "The ideal line will be you, you, you, she and me" but my name was never inside; I've stayed by the sidelines and watched them chat; I've gotten it all. Just when I thought I've plunged six feet and hit bottom hard (and managed to get a little bounced out of it), they shoved the stopper right onto me.
I could not bring myself to work on last year's season's debrief. The fear has came back, strong as ever. More work does not equate to higher chance of success anymore, it is all about talent and the likes. Lousy excuse, you may say..but its fucken' true. I've worked damn hard for my grades but all I got was simply average - I went to university without a scholarship, to a normal course, attained normal grades and soon I am going to graduate with a normal degree, get a normal job and draw a normal pay. Same goes for sports. I train 2 years to attain a results they achieve in 2 months, 2 hours to achieve something one masters in 2 minutes - tell me, why must every damn thing take so long?
Save your comments. Its going to be the usual, "So long you've tried your best, you've succeeded already" and the likes. I haven't had the time to try my best with the amount of school work we all get, I've only tried damn hard, but I still ain't getting it. 1 more month to prove myself worthy. Will I make the cut?
Let's see.