Enlightenment - before I forget it all and start spinning around uncontrollably again.
Everyday has been an attempt to regain control of my life. Reason why I am not able to do so is pretty simple: I spend so much time running about to keep up with my schedule and wonder why the hell I am not able to sit back and enjoy life whizzing past me instead. Most of the time I am in control: juggling floorball, some club work, teaching piano back home and school work. Sounds pretty simple, from the way I speak of it. The truth is, I am deeply affected by this schedule of mine because along with floorball comes along the physical and mental test of the sport, the stress due to trying to keep up with schoolwork and completing club work, and worrying about my students' progress every week.
After each practice I walk back to the club room tired and all and wondered whether the training was good. Sometimes it was way way bad because I know I could have done better like not miss the ball, shoot better and perhaps make an attempt to sprint all the way back for defence after losing the ball while attacking. I put aside club work for some school work (which I don't really know how to go about doing) and end up with piles of uncompleted publicity stuff. Which of course results from further stress from the higher authorities. The feeling of frustration at not knowing what I'm actually studying about, the fear of doing badly in my studies is overwhelming as well.
I have too had my share of people stepping through my life and are out to hurt me without thinking twice. Which is probably why I have built up a wall around myself and regard everybody around me with suspicion, knowing well that they might potentially hurt me if I try to get too close to them. Why all those unnecessary feelings? Compared to the past, I have literally shut myself up much much more because of this fear uncalled for. Its a defence mechanism really, I wished I can open myself up to others much more and hurt less people. Talking to XH made me realise that I am comfortable living this way without the capacity to care for a special someone in my life, simply because I'm going through a phase where I need my own private space desperately. Even if a normal friend happens to drop by NUS without informing me beforehand, or insists on coming despite me telling him/her that I have something to do, I tend to get pretty annoyed simply because I want the time for myself - be it to relax, or to do my work. (note: Terrence it doesn't mean you. You and Mark are like angels to me!) I do understand this is pretty sensitive issue because some friends want to drop by because we haven't met for a long time, but I really can't help feeling this way. *sigh*
Looking back, I wonder when I will ever make time for this special someone, if he does come by. I planned a busy schedule to keep myself from thinking too much, and I ended up with a failed relationship due to my neglect towards that unfortunate guy who happened to be with me. An unfortunate incident, a wake up call which obviously failed to wake me up, because I am still squeezing stuff into my over-packed schedule. It is funny I'm complaining about it because it was afterall, myself who planned this shit for myself.
It isn't that unhappy a life I lead really. The problem is I tend to get too carried away by the stress that accumulates over time and I get really down, after which I bounce back up again and continue life like it was without the glitch I tripped over. I still miss him, I really do, but I know things will never be the same again because who I am now. My blog posts really sound so sad, but the truth is, I'm probably just wistful over what has happened in the short span of probably half a year. I still enjoy life despite feeling like what I do in my blog, I still love what I'm doing despite my cursing and swearing everytime a new piece of work squeezes into my time and such.
Which leads on to, why blog? To sum it up: people who do not blog will never understand why people blog. Because it serves as an outlet to release the pent up frustrations building inside me. It is better to scream myself hoarse (through loud banging of the keyboard) through my blog than to roar at an innocent friend who has to bear the brunt of it all. I hurt less people this way, and there will be no consequences to answer to simply because everything is written down in a (supposedly) calm way. My feelings are banished to the virtual world online and I remain a calm person in reality. And of course, given busy schedules, blogs are probably the few ways where people know what I am up to these days.
The reunion dinner calls. I am hungry. Have a great Chinese New Year readers. :)
Everyday has been an attempt to regain control of my life. Reason why I am not able to do so is pretty simple: I spend so much time running about to keep up with my schedule and wonder why the hell I am not able to sit back and enjoy life whizzing past me instead. Most of the time I am in control: juggling floorball, some club work, teaching piano back home and school work. Sounds pretty simple, from the way I speak of it. The truth is, I am deeply affected by this schedule of mine because along with floorball comes along the physical and mental test of the sport, the stress due to trying to keep up with schoolwork and completing club work, and worrying about my students' progress every week.
After each practice I walk back to the club room tired and all and wondered whether the training was good. Sometimes it was way way bad because I know I could have done better like not miss the ball, shoot better and perhaps make an attempt to sprint all the way back for defence after losing the ball while attacking. I put aside club work for some school work (which I don't really know how to go about doing) and end up with piles of uncompleted publicity stuff. Which of course results from further stress from the higher authorities. The feeling of frustration at not knowing what I'm actually studying about, the fear of doing badly in my studies is overwhelming as well.
I have too had my share of people stepping through my life and are out to hurt me without thinking twice. Which is probably why I have built up a wall around myself and regard everybody around me with suspicion, knowing well that they might potentially hurt me if I try to get too close to them. Why all those unnecessary feelings? Compared to the past, I have literally shut myself up much much more because of this fear uncalled for. Its a defence mechanism really, I wished I can open myself up to others much more and hurt less people. Talking to XH made me realise that I am comfortable living this way without the capacity to care for a special someone in my life, simply because I'm going through a phase where I need my own private space desperately. Even if a normal friend happens to drop by NUS without informing me beforehand, or insists on coming despite me telling him/her that I have something to do, I tend to get pretty annoyed simply because I want the time for myself - be it to relax, or to do my work. (note: Terrence it doesn't mean you. You and Mark are like angels to me!) I do understand this is pretty sensitive issue because some friends want to drop by because we haven't met for a long time, but I really can't help feeling this way. *sigh*
Looking back, I wonder when I will ever make time for this special someone, if he does come by. I planned a busy schedule to keep myself from thinking too much, and I ended up with a failed relationship due to my neglect towards that unfortunate guy who happened to be with me. An unfortunate incident, a wake up call which obviously failed to wake me up, because I am still squeezing stuff into my over-packed schedule. It is funny I'm complaining about it because it was afterall, myself who planned this shit for myself.
It isn't that unhappy a life I lead really. The problem is I tend to get too carried away by the stress that accumulates over time and I get really down, after which I bounce back up again and continue life like it was without the glitch I tripped over. I still miss him, I really do, but I know things will never be the same again because who I am now. My blog posts really sound so sad, but the truth is, I'm probably just wistful over what has happened in the short span of probably half a year. I still enjoy life despite feeling like what I do in my blog, I still love what I'm doing despite my cursing and swearing everytime a new piece of work squeezes into my time and such.
Which leads on to, why blog? To sum it up: people who do not blog will never understand why people blog. Because it serves as an outlet to release the pent up frustrations building inside me. It is better to scream myself hoarse (through loud banging of the keyboard) through my blog than to roar at an innocent friend who has to bear the brunt of it all. I hurt less people this way, and there will be no consequences to answer to simply because everything is written down in a (supposedly) calm way. My feelings are banished to the virtual world online and I remain a calm person in reality. And of course, given busy schedules, blogs are probably the few ways where people know what I am up to these days.
The reunion dinner calls. I am hungry. Have a great Chinese New Year readers. :)